Marcus stared at his reflection. He looked like a spreadsheet come to ...... Flat. Beige. The human equivalent of elevator music.
His roommate Jen burst in without knocking. She wielded a small stick like a sword. "This ends now."
"I was brushing my—"
"You contour like a tired potato. No .....se to potatoes. They're versatile. You're not."
She grabbed his jaw. The stick glided across his cheekbone. Gelatinous pigments, she explained, woven into some gel matrix. Science! Marcus perked up despite himself.
"Aloe vera," Jen announced, as if naming a pet. "Soothes. Melts. Becomes you."
The camel hue hit his skin like a desert sunset someone had shrunk into cosmetic form. Warmth without the burn. Tranquility without the meditation app.
"Eight hours," she said. "Arduous activities. You know, existing. Breathing. Occasional blinking."
Marcus turned his head. Definition appeared. Sculpted but not stolen from a reality show. Natural but not "I woke up this way" lying.
"I'm not a bronzer person," he protested weakly.
"You're not a 'person' person right now. We're fixing that."
She tossed him the stick. He caught it. The cool-toned formula winked at him. Low maintenance, she promised. High performance, he demanded. They met in the middle.
How To Not Mess This Up: A Guide For Humans With Faces
Start with less. Add more. Unlike regrets, bronzer layers gracefully.
Blend toward the ear, not the mouth. Unless you're cosplaying as a muddy river.
The jawline needs love too. Double chins fear strategic shadows.
Forehead perimeter warms everything up. Suddenly you vacationed somewhere nice. You didn't. They'll never know.
Skip the nose if you're already cute there. Or don't. Nose contour is democracy. Everyone gets a vote.
Mix with moisturizer for sheer, "I just exist beautifully" energy.
Use as eyeshadow in emergencies. Defined eyes save boring outfits.
Set with nothing if you trust the formula. Test its claims. Science demands it.
Apply before video calls. Camera eats dimension for breakfast.
Swatch on your jaw, not your hand. Your hand lies. Your jaw knows.
Check natural light before committing. Bathroom mirrors are flatterers. Windows tell truth.
Blend past the visible line. The visible line is your enemy. Blend until you forget where you started.
